TOPICS: Key to frantic start as mini drunks go rogue

CHILD MINDER: Irish comic Dylan Moran has his own take on children: ‘‘They talk like drunks.’IRISH comic Dylan Moran once likened children to ‘‘midget drunks’’.

‘‘They talk like drunks,’’ argued Moran.

‘‘Time for bed, ‘No!’, get in the bath, ‘No!’, get out of the bath, ‘No!’, do something that isn’t mindless violence for five seconds will you, ‘No, no, no!’’’

Topics remembered that yesterday as a colleague experienced a frantic morning because her two-year-old hid her keys.

After turning the house upside down, she found them in an Ugg boot in the bathroom.

Another reader has fond memories of how her kids ‘‘used to ‘post’ things in the VCR, like it was a letter box’’.

Topics’ childhood efforts include biting a hole in the leather seat of the family’s new car and, when left on our own in the previous car, letting off the handbrake and rolling into a house.

Have your own kids ever set your heart racing, dear reader?

Drivers taxing

THERE’D be an avalanche of new taxes under a Topics government (Topics, May 15), mostly on behaviour that bugs us.

It seems others are in a taxing mood.

Reader Rob proposes a levy on a certain type of driver.

‘‘My suggestion is taxing motorists who fail to use their indicators,’’ says Rob.

‘‘It would only be fair to allow them a rebate should they be able to at least describe the purpose of this device.’’

Tony Keene, of Wallsend, would tax TV execs who insist on naff titles for new shows.

‘‘The renaming of so many TV programmes with the prefix ‘new’ and even ‘all new’, though what differentiates ‘new’ from ‘all new’ is beyond me,’’ says Tony.

‘‘Does just ‘new’ mean that parts of it are old, whereas ‘all new’ means we get a totally new show? Definitely bring in an ‘all new’ tax for this one.’’

Wayne Threlfo, of Hamilton, may have out-taxed us all.

‘‘Put a tax on the number of times anyone says ‘You know’ in sentences,’’ says, you know, Wayne. ‘‘It would draw a motza.’’

Harbour ships memory

WE asked what you thought your mum did when you were little.

Reader Tina’s childhood sounds kind of magical: ‘‘I knew what my mother did for a job from an early age as I spent many a happy hour in her office building when I was under the care of a heart specialist in Newcastle.

‘‘I was always getting in trouble for disturbing the residents of the flats above as I played on the fire escape or visited the laundry room on the top floor to watch the ships in the harbour.’’

Abreast of events

Topics heard a bit of ABC radio yesterday morning, and what we heard didn’t do much for our view of humanity.

The discussion was about Angelina Jolie’s double mastectomy, which she underwent after tests revealed she had an 87per cent chance of getting breast cancer and a 50per cent chance of ovarian cancer.

‘‘I’m in two minds about her motivations,’’ one listener texted in.

‘‘Why didn’t she get rid of her ovaries?’’

Um. So, she did it for attention?